Well the time has come for surgery. Monday November 11, I am going in to have a colostomy done to help me live life again and not be strapped down to the house. As you may know, ever since my liver surgery where they had to remove my gall bladder, I have been going to the bathroom 30-40 times a day, almost non stop. During the healing process, the tumor in the colon decided to grow from a marble to a 25cm monster and has really messed up the colon / rectum area to the point that I must be in adult briefs all the time and cannot stop the flow of pooh. I do have some pills I use to stop the digestive process from happening, but they are only good for 4-5 hours maybe and then even they stop. The pills help me get some bucket list things done, but I always pay for it with pain (which now I have to take morphine based pills for), excessive bleeding, and of course the eating patterns have to change as well. Life then usually keeps me from sleeping more than 2 hours at a time if I am lucky because I must go to the bathroom. It is there 24 hours a day. Its been depressing and I have been speaking to a counselor a bit to get my thoughts and feelings under control.
I have had people ask me what daily life is like and since I do these bucket list items am I getting any better. NO!!! The cancer grows and I am keeping it a bay right now. I do the bucket list items with the help of those special pills, pain killers, diapers, and a lot of patience from family and friends who take me on these events. Sometimes I have to cancel events with my friends because I don't know how I am going to feel on a daily basis. I really cannot plan to far in advance, as this may be a let down and may be expensive. I try to work from home and do whatever my boss or customers ask me to do. That keeps me sane and stops me from thinking about cancer on a daily basis.
The good that may come from this surgery is that I will be able to return to work, go out to eat and do the things I used to do without the bleeding, as many pain pills and with less depression. I can't wait to be able to go to work. I know all of you are probably wondering if that is the pain pills talking, but no, I really enjoy my co-workers and my customers. I have worked hard my whole life and don't know what I would do if I didn't have work to fall back on as a support blanket.
I have taken a break from my radio frequency medicine because it makes you get a bit of diarrhea as it is shedding cancer cells and I didn't want another reason to go to the bathroom. I am starting it up again, because I believe it was making a difference and what's one or two more trips to the bathroom at this point anyways.
Sorry that I can't say that I am getting better, but sometimes holding one's ground is all that one can do. I plan on doing that for as long as I can. Life has taught me these last 3-4 months that life is fragile, I kiss Cheryl and Paige everyday. I don't think they quite get it, as much as I appreciate them. They make my world go around. In the last month, I have had a good friend of the family pass away from cancer, I just attended a benefit for another friends family member getting cancer. I have friends going into the hospital for heart problems and their family losing loved ones. I have had to replace an air conditioner, then a furnace. I seems as life just keeps throwing the curve-ball, but I am trying hard not to strike out.
If I was you, I would kiss as many people who mean something in your life as possible, and tell them that they mean a lot in your life.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and care for me - it means a lot.
Love you,
Jeff
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